


last time

by midnightmumblings



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29856558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightmumblings/pseuds/midnightmumblings
Summary: In that moment, with Justin in his arms, Josh realizes that this will be the last time he'll ever fall in love.
Relationships: Justin De Dios/Josh Cullen Santos
Kudos: 19





	last time

Josh could never pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Justin de Dios. There was never any defining point, no  _ "oh, it's you"  _ moment. It was never a life-altering realization that shifted his world view and pulled the rug from underneath him.

No. Rather, his love for Justin has just always been there, thrumming beneath his skin since probably the day they met. His love for Justin has always been carved into his bones, taking every space in his heart, filling in every nook and cranny of his life, so much so that Josh could never even remember a time he didn't love Justin.

At first, he had no idea what to call the feeling in his chest whenever he glanced at the younger boy. No doubt, Justin de Dios had this appeal to him. It drew Josh in like a moth to a flame, and the moment he first laid eyes on Justin, he could not look away. 

He recognized a kindred spirit, a soul driven and motivated by a shared passion. It was why Josh invited him to join the workshop. He recognized a potential in Justin, something that shone brighter than even the brightest stars in the heavens. Though still a little rough around the edges, Justin was a brilliant diamond begging to be cut out.

And boy, was he right.

He watched from the sides, love in his heart and longing in his soul, as Justin grew from the shy, soft spoken boy into a confident, attractive, and brilliant man. Justin had a thirst to prove himself, to show everyone that he deserves to be in the group as much as the rest of them. He spent time honing his skills, taking the edict of "practice will never betray you" to heart. Even when he was drowning in schoolwork, he still showed up to practice, exerting himself to almost his breaking point in an effort to prove that he  _ belonged. _

Josh could respect the hustle. He did. Simply because that's what he did as well.

So, perhaps he fell in love with Justin during those moments in between, where exhaustion got the best of them and they gravitated towards each other, content to simply revolve in each other's orbit. Maybe it was in those moments, where their shoulders brushed and their thighs pressed together, where Justin slowly and methodically chipped away at his walls and made a place for himself in Josh's heart, permanently parking himself there.

Josh fell in love with Justin de Dios before he even knew it.

They were heading to that point together, the realization that they wanted  _ more,  _ and wanted to try being  _ more,  _ but when their group started to go viral, and they had schedules and shows shoved down their throats faster than they could keep up, they had to shelve  _ more  _ for now and focus on their careers.

That didn't mean they still couldn't be near each other, drawing in comfort when the fame that came with their careers became almost too much to bear. Josh cherished those moments, simply having Justin in his space, letting the outside world pass them by before they had to pull up their mask and let their public personas take over.

The fans were very perceptive, though.

Josh realized that he could never really hide the fact he loved Justin, not when it showed on his face every moment he so much as glanced at him. The fans picked up on their closeness, creating stories and speculating constantly on the nature of their relationship. At first, he felt unsure and a bit annoyed at the way they shoved their noses into something he considered private. Whatever thing he and Justin had was surely none of their business. 

It didn't help at all when Justin started to withdraw from him.

He understood. Justin was also very private when it came to these matters, but it pained Josh to see him pull away, to gravitate towards the other members in an effort to throw everyone else off. He missed Justin's solid presence next to him, missed the way he would smile at him like they had the world's biggest secret between them. It was that point he realized that his feelings for Justin ran deeper than he realized, if the thought of losing him pained him greatly. He could not fathom a life without Justin in it, in whatever capacity he could. 

The thought should've terrified him, but Josh was getting too old for uncertainties. He wanted Justin in his life, forever, and it was that simple. The idea settled him, kept him grounded. It didn't send him careening into a rabbit hole of self doubt, unlike before when the thought of potentially spending  _ forever  _ with someone would make all his insecurities flare up. 

They tried to be careful, wanting to explore the connection between them without other people, their fans especially, throwing in their opinions. It meant sitting apart during interviews, refusing hugs on stage, and keeping eye contact to a minimum.

It backfired spectacularly, with their fans crying out theories that they were mad at each other, when that was clearly far from the truth. It only served to make them more miserable as well, so at one point, they stopped trying and started to pull each other back into orbit. Being apart was not worth the effort of keeping things quiet. 

It took some time before they were comfortable again in displaying the affection they had for each other. It was palpable, evident in the soft looks they shared, in the furtive glances from across the room. 

Josh knew in his very soul that Justin was  _ it  _ for him. And he was willing to wait as long as he needed, to let Justin come to him and take those first tentative steps.

He loved Justin that even if  _ more  _ was just a pipe dream, he would be happy to be in Justin's life in whatever capacity he could be.

And maybe,  _ more  _ was within their reach.

Then, the pandemic happened.

Being apart from Justin because of the global pandemic that ravaged the world was one of the worst months of his life. Still, it could never dampen what they had. They spoke over the phone, whispered promises of a future they both wanted, minute details of an abstract future slowly becoming clearer as the days passed. There was a space in his heart that had irrevocably been Justin's from the start, and because Josh loved him, wanted him safe, he contented himself with video chat and phone calls, pushing himself to  _ wait  _ until he could have Justin back in his space.

Turns out, he didn't need to wait long. After pandemic restrictions had eased, after  _ months _ of not seeing him in person, Josh found himself being enveloped in Justin's long arms. The warmth the younger boy emanated soothed his aching heart, quieted his anxious thoughts. It gave him hope.

He doesn't know  _ when  _ they will finally cross the line to  _ more.  _ The possibility is there, simply waiting for them to finally step over. Josh knows without a shadow of doubt that Justin is it for him. 

In that moment, with Justin in his arms, Josh realizes that this will be the last time he'll ever fall in love.

And when they finally cross that line, Josh knows it will be worth the wait.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to try something new. No dialogue, an amalgamation of thoughts and experiences, a somewhat hopefully realistic view of Josh and Justin and how they feel.
> 
> All fiction, but I enjoyed writing this!
> 
> Stan SB19! Comeback is soon.


End file.
